brendala

This is what passed for "Mature Women's Comics" back in the day. I found it in a dollar bin at a con a while back and I just HAD to share it here. The cheese is just glorious!!

The first story centers around a White female social worker who falls madly in love with a hot-tempered Puerto Rican man who lives in the ghetto she works in. He doesn't love her back; so she stalks him like a creeper despite the fact that she already has a loving boyfriend. Apparently, us ladies are supposed to find this romantic.

THE WALL BETWEEN US:

No means NO, Lady!!
And I love how this dingbat assumes that living in the ghetto is what made Carlos moody. He couldn't possibly be pissed off because of the crazy blonde who wont leave him alone. It HAS to be the neighborhood!

A "magnificent animal"!? I guess this means Blondie is into bestiality!

For the love of G-d, Carlos! Just tell her you're gay!

Oy. Blondie is such a loathsome nut that she has me feeling sorry for the racist rich White dude.
And "strange tongue"? How the hell can this woman be a social worker serving in Little Havana and not know what Spanish sounds like!?

Oh, and refusing to eat the food sure was classy. "I can't eat your disgusting, alien food Señora Ramirez. I just came here to f**k your son!"

Why do either of these men continue to have contact with this woman!? WTF!?

What's up with that cop? Does he get off watching couples make out?

This story would have been AWESOME if it had ended with Carlos and Win falling in love at the office and skipping to the courthouse together (while holding hands, naturally) to obtain a restraining order against Blondie McCrazy. That would have made my inner romantic swoon.

MORAL OF THE STORY: White girls can never date brown men because of THE WALLS BETWEEN THEM! But if you annoy a hot man-of-color long enough, he'll help you snag a rich White boyfriend (and cure said boyfriend of bigotry)! Puerto Ricans are especially magical when it comes to these things!

Next up is the story of a man-whore soldier who mends his ways for no reason!

Oh goody. A story centered around the "OMG I can totally change a douchebag into a prince with the power of my LOVE" fantasy. :P

Why would she give a damn if he danced another girl? She doesn't even know him! Sargent Slutty sure is arrogant!

"Oh Jim! The moment that scalding hot coffee burned the skin off my fingers, I knew it was TRUE LOVE!!"
**gag**

"JIM! PLEASE COME BACK! I NEED YOU TO POUR DANGEROUSLY HOT COFFEE ALL OVER MY BODY!!!"
Wow. Suddenly Blondie McCrazy isn't looking quite as bad.

Jim spent that entire night making sweet love to Nina. But tragically, the next morning Jim awoke to the sensation of piping hot Folgers being poured onto his junk. The doctors could not save his charred manhood. He now goes by the name "Jessica".

This next story is about a bored rich girl who wants to find a boyfriend outside of her dull social circle. Yes, it's as boring as it sounds.

Yeah. 'Cause ALL rich guys are totally like that. Little Miss Whiney is the first rich person to EVER think of slumming it with the bohemians for shits, giggles, and/or romance.

"And now I've met you! I think...maybe a different kind of love is entering my life!
......a love of having a Sugar Mama who'll make it so I never have to pump gas to pay my rent again!! WHOO HOO!!!"

I find it hard to believe that the fact that her Dad used to be a struggling painter never came up before that day (especially since he works as an ART COLLECTOR). By the time I was 20, I knew the basics about how my parents lived before I came along. Maybe parents just didn't talk to their kids before 1980?

Next up is another boring story about a "Summer Romance"

Wow. Chicks in the 70s were NUTS (one date and they start planning the wedding)! Must have been the drugs.

DAMN! What an asshole! These two crazy jerks deserve each other!

"Sorry, Cary. One dude didn't call me back after a hot date. Therefore I can never love again and have no choice but to die alone and untouched. That is what it means to be a woman!!"

This all turned out to be an elaborate prank set up by Bruce and Cary. Vivian was humiliated yet again and many LOLs were had that day.

"The Dos and Don'ts of Dating"! A handy guide for ladies who are too stupid to take a hint!

Considering what went on in previous stories, I'm just glad Miss Page didn't tell her friend to start stalking Bruce and/or find a magical Puerto Rican to solve her relationship problems.

Next up is THE LOVE GAME. A story about two sisters and their different approaches to romance.

Yeah, Phyllis is such a dog! It's no wonder boys prefer spending time with her bitchy sister and totally ignore her!
/sarcasm

Why does Jayne date so much when she clearly hates men? Jayne would probably be a LOT happier if she looked into lesbianism. Just sayin'.

I gotta agree with the Ice Queen here. Dating your sister's leftovers is icky (regardless of how big a bitch your sister is). I'm pretty sure there's an official honor code that forbids this kind of thing.

Moral of the story: Girls who play the field will die alone and miserable. And their sisters will steal their boy toys.

Time for the ads:

First up is some bad poetry. I really hope I'm not humiliating anybody by putting these old poems on the internet:

How to mend a broken heart:

I love number 7. "Just buy a hat! Hats fix EVERYTHING".

What is this superhero ad doing in a girly book!? Must have been put there by mistake!

Ads for random stuff

DC Artist Awards

I've never seen anything quite like this before! Comic Book artists getting recognized in the pages of an actual book (and one that is clearly NOT marketed to fanboys, no less!). And they get their own little portraits, too! I love Denny O'Neil's dramatic CSI pose! XD