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brendalaI saw Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer up on Netflix and I thought "oh, this will be a fluffy, girly nostalgia trip".
I doodled some fanart in the first 10 minutes because these characters seemed like they'd be fun to draw.
But after the first 10 or so minutes....this movie got weird. And kinda disturbing.
Turns out this movie doesn't match my childhood memories at all. I remembered it as silly, sugary fluffyness made with 3-year-old girls in mind. But the movie I just watched was.....really messed up. And confusing as all hell. And the way Rainbow dispatched her enemy was.....well, just read on.
BTW, a lot of people have the whole movie posted on YouTube if you want to watch the movie alongside this review and you don't have Netflix. I'm only bringing this up because I want you to know that you can see this madness for yourself if you don't believe what I write about in this review.
The first thing that struck me was how "anime" the movie looked. The animation was VERY high quality compared to most other 80s cartoons produced at the time.
As for the story, the movie starts with the Crazy Diamond Princess oppressing innocent fuzzy creatures and risking innocent lives in her pursuit to get more jewelry. An elderly fuzzy thing tries to warn her that her behavior will result in many deaths; but she just kicks him out.
The Princess is characterized as a spoiled, materialistic teenager willing to turn her kingdom into a slum if it means getting more diamonds. Kinda sexist for a character in a girls' cartoon. But I guess the 80s was a less enlightened time.
The opening song will be stuck in my head forever. Now you shall suffer, too.
All of Rainbow's friends like to watch her sleep before waking her up via song. That's creepy.
Enter Stormy:
I'm pretty sure Stormy was my favorite Rainbow sidekick when I was little. She has the power to make rain and snow; but she's only allowed to do it in wintertime. If she tries to do it out of season; Rainbow Brite and her horse chase her down and ruin her good time. It sucks to be Stormy.
After that, we cut to an interlude featuring two bumbling antagonists who look like Muppet rejects.
These guys are Murky and Lurky (Rainbow's normal villains). They suck and add nothing to the plot. So we won't be discussing them very much
Cut to Rainbow Brite taking a trip to Earth (I guess this means she's an alien?). It turns out Rainbow Brite has a human boyfriend named Brian (he's the only person on earth who can see her).
I don't remember this being a thing when I watched it as a kid. But I was only three when this franchise was popular. So I was likely more interested in the rainbows and horsies than the main character's love life.
Anyhoo, the plot gets going once Rainbow returns home and a cyborg horse contacts her to tell her that the Diamond Princess is to blame for her weather powers being out of whack. Turns out the Princess rules the "Diamond Planet" (the place where all the light has to pass through before it gets to Rainbow Land and Earth). And the Princess' hoarding is screwing this up somehow. And Rainbow Brite is the only one who can stop the Princess from "KILLING EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE".
Seriously, Cyborg Horse tells her that everything in the universe will DIE if Rainbow Brite fails her mission. So, y'know, no pressure.
.....I must say. I give this show props for having the balls to use the "d-word" in a cartoon made for 3-year-old girls. Even GI Joe wasn't allowed to do that back in the 80s!!! O_o
When Rainbow Brite gets to the Diamond Planet, she finds a bunch of fuzzy things being enslaved and forced to make nets to cover up the planets surface. But she can't rescue them because they're being guarded by giant killer robots!!
BTW the killer robots are called "Glitter Bots". I guess they were given that name to make them slightly less terrifying to this movie's target demographic.
After their first attempt to rescue the fuzzy things fails, Rainbow and her horses meet up with a Gatchaman reject named "Chris". Turns out he's from the same planet as Cyborg Horse. It also turns out that Chris is a sexist prick who can't believe that Cyborg Horse picked a GIRL to help them save the universe from imminent death.
Rainbow Brite ignores his sexist outburst and asks him to explain what the heck is going on. Chris tells her that the Glitter Bots have hypnotized both this planet and the one he hails from and is forcing all the slaves to work for Crazy Diamond Princess. He then starts another rant about how chicks can't save the universe and Rainbow finally gets mad and essentially tells him "I'm going and you can't stop me. Screw you!"
They end up leaving together and we get a look from him that implies that Rainbow Brite is getting another love interest. You go girl!!
Speaking of love interests, we cut to a scene on Earth and see that the whole world is going to hell simply because the weather is gloomy. I am not kidding! We over hear a TV report say that "accident reports are increasing" and "birth rates are decreasing" and "countries all over the world are blaming each other for all this". The report also says that hospital patients are "LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE".
Good Lord!!! The weather has been bad for like, one month at most!! But because the weather is gloomy people worldwide have sunk into depression, stopped having sex, forgotten how to drive, and given up on medical care!!?!? What the f***k, movie!?!??
After hearing this news report, Brian goes into his room and pulls out a key that Rainbow Brite gave him "in case of emergencies". The key works by turning any door he uses it on into a portal to Rainbow Land. But when he tries using it, it doesn't work (he guesses it's because her magic has gotten weaker).
We cut to Diamond Princess' castle. Chris and Rainbow Brite brazenly just walk up the bridge leading to the front door. Naturally, they're spotted. And the Princess orders some...thing to cast a wind spell to knock them off the bridge.
Chris tells Rainbow to retreat. Rainbow accuses him of being too chicken for the mission. And he starts spewing more sexist crap about being more capable than some icky vagina person before following her up the bridge.
The Princess decides that it might be fun to mess with the kids. So she turns off the wind machine and instead opts to let them in. Once inside, the kids are attacked by blob monsters. Rainbow Brite blinds it with her magic rainbow belt so they can escape. Diamond Princess sees this and immediately decides that she MUST have that belt!! So she uses a trap door to drop them into a dungeon
They find an elevator in the dungeon and decide to try and use it to reach the Princess. Surprisingly, it works. And once they get in her throne room, Crazy Diamond Princess casually asks Rainbow Brite to hand over the belt.
At this point, we also learn that Diamond Princess is certifiably insane when we see her treating the big emerald she carries around like a baby (seriously, she even has a bassinet for it!!!! O_o).
The Princess uses some evil magic thing to trap Rainbow Brite and Chris, takes the belt, and then locks them in the real dungeon (ie the one with no elevator). Chris blames Rainbow Brite's tiny girl brain for screwing this mission up. And Rainbow counters with a speech about hope and how her friends are surely doing something to help them out.
Right on cue, Cyborg Horse pops in the window to save them (where the hell was he when the children were being zapped!?). Unfortunately, he can't fit in the window. And instead of just popping in Kool Aid Man style like he SHOULD, he goes off to get help from Rainbow Brite's horse Starlight. Even though Starlight is powerless without Rainbow and her belt.
Cyborg Horse detracts the gunners while Starlight trots through the castle. He gets caught; but at least he manages to snag the belt and get it to Rainbow Brite before the guards can shoot him to death.
Rainbow Brite has just enough power in her belt to break them all out of prison. But she tells Chris that she needs to recharge her belt in her homeland before she can try to fight Crazy Diamond Princess again.
Unfortunately, Crazy Diamond Princess shoots them down and they land in another desolate wasteland full of slave-driver robots. Rainbow, Chris, and Cyborg Horse escape. But Starlight is taken hostage.
Rainbow, Chris, and Cyborg Horse have to fight through a horde of lizard monsters to get away. And the attack ends in the three of them being separated.
Rainbow falls into an underground pit that is home to the lizard monsters. And in a surprisingly scary and tense scene, we see her try to climb out while lizards are crawling up behind her. And the poor kid is scared sh!tless because her powerbelt is completely dead (meaning she has no way to fight back if they catch up to her).
Luckily, one of the fuzzy things (specifically, the one we saw Evil Diamond Princess abusing at the beginning of the film) conveniently finds her just in time to give her some "Star Sprinkles" (aka the power source for her belt). Rainbow Brite takes advantage of this good fortune by turning around and BLINDING the lizard standing behind her.
After she blinds him, she forces him back into a pit and he falls down. A bunch of rocks fall on top of him; so we're left with the implication that Rainbow Brite straight up murdered him. Granted, she was totally justified. But I wasn't expecting this movie (or this particular heroine) to have a body count. Way to subvert my expectations, Rainbow Brite & The Star Stealer!
Once Rainbow and Old Fuzzy Guy escape, he gives a speech about having a special device for Chris. And he tells Rainbow that she's destined to help Chris become the mighty warrior he was meant to be. Surprisingly, she agrees to it.
Seriously, screw that! Rainbow Brite has shown more balls AND more intelligence throughout this thing than Chris! So why isn't SHE the legendary warrior!? Doesn't the fact that she has a kill count and he doesn't mean anything!?
*sigh* oh well. Anyway, we see her break Chris and the horsies out of the desert prison in a matter of seconds (further proof that she deserves the "Warrior" title more that the little Gatchaman reject!!).
She gives Chris the weird device and it turns out to be a wrist mounted gun that can freeze targets or heat them up to a zillion degrees depending on Chris' whim.
Rainbow and Chris head off to face the Crazy Diamond Princess again. And we cut to the Princess' palace to see Murky and Lurky promising that they can deliver Rainbow Brite to her on account of their experience fighting her. She tells them to piss off because she astutely points out that, if they could beat her, they would have done it already (not gonna lie, I thought that was pretty cool). They change her mind by lying and telling her that Rainbow Brite has more belts and they know how to get them. This is the only reason they aren't locked in a dungeon.
Old Fuzzy Guy tells the kids that they need to work together to destroy the Princess' power source diamond. He also asks if he can borrow Cyborg Horse because he's too frail to defend himself. And then he makes the kids promise that they'll get along long enough to defeat the Crazy Princess (I guess he already knew that Chris was a sexist, trouble-making ass?).
Luckily, Chris seems pretty cool with having to share a saddle with Rainbow Brite and grip her closely while they fly around. Go fig.
The kids sneak into the Princess' palace (again) by breaking in through a water main. They're attacked by a giant sewer mutant. And Chris solves this problem by making it EXPLODE with his wrist cannon!
.....well, at least now he's catching up to Rainbow Brite's body count. Good job, kiddo!
Cut back to Earth:
We see Rainbow Brite's human boyfriend Brian staring wistfully out the window while snow continues to pummel his town. There's no longer any electricity or heat in his home. But he assures his depressed dog that his magical technicolor alien girlfriend will fix everything.
.....jinkies. That was a weird sentence. :P
Cut back to Rainbow Brite and Baby Gatchaman:
Chris uses his wrist cannon to trap three guards in ice blocks. The cartoon never shows them recovering; so it's possible that this puts him ahead of Rainbow Brite in the "Most Villains Murdered" category.
The kids make it to the throne room. But the Princess tells them they're too late and that her space ship will take the giant prism and destroy the universe because, damn it, she wants jewelry! (YAY feminism!)
Speaking of spaceships, Murky and Lurky finally make themselves useful by CRASHING THEIRS INTO THE THRONE ROOM. And the animation in the crash scene is pretty badass. (YAY Japan!)
While the princess is distracted, Rainbow and Chris destroy her power source diamond. Which, in turn, causes her entire palace to collapse (I guess she conjured her house with her insane diamond magic). While the palace is collapsing, Murky threatens to shoot Rainbow Brite with his wacky looking gun. And this prompts Starlight to pop in out of nowhere and kick him off the side of a cliff.
.....I guess horsies with Rainbow manes are inherently badass and loyal. XD
Unfortunately, Crazy Diamond Princess takes off in her ship while this happens. So Chris and Rainbow have to figure out how to stop someone armed with a rocket ship.
Cut back to the planet full of enslaved Fuzzy things:
The hypnotic spell that forced them to work was lifted when the kids crushed the power source diamond. And we see that the Fuzzy things immediately BEAT THE SH!T OUT OF THE SLAVE ROBOTS WHEN THEY CAME TO THEIR SENSES!!!
Good Lord! Who knew that Tribbles with legs could be so hardcore!!!? O_o
And here's where the cartoon gets REALLY f**ked up!!
Cut to the Crazy Princess. Turns out she forgot to gas up her ship before she left and can't get very far. So she declares that, if she can't have the biggest piece of bling in the universe all to herself, than no one can. So she decides to KAMAKAZE THE DIAMOND PLANET AND SHATTER IT!!! Knowing full well that this act will kill her and every living, fuzzy thing on the planet (and doom the universe to icy Armageddon).
How does Rainbow Brite solve this problem, you ask? Does she....
A) Give a passionate speech about the inherent value of every person's life that melts the Princess' icy heart and makes her a believer in the power of friendship? And then the Princess joins Stormy and makes a career out of crafting sparkly snowflakes?
B) Use her rainbow powers to make a colorful runway for the ship to gently land on and then haul the Princess to jail?
C) Recruit a Care Bear to show Crazy Diamond Princess how to love?
D) Kill the bitch
When I initially watched the movie, I guessed "A". Believe it or not, the answer is "D"!!
No, really. Rainbow channels her magic through the planet (remember, the Fuzzy Things' planet is a giant prism) and uses the amplified beam to blow up the Princess' ship before it can hit the planet.
And before you ask, we never see a GI Joe style "last minute parachute". The plane blows up and the only thing left behind is glittery dust.
Uh....I can't say she wasn't right to do it. But I never expected the underage heroine of an 80s girly show to straight up murder her human antagonist! Hell, even the original My Little Ponys only murdered supernatural hell spawns! Rainbow Brite shot down an enemy airship!!!! This movie has a bigger body count than the entirety of the GI Joe series!!!!
Anyhoo, everyone celebrates and Rainbow Brite doesn't feel at all conflicted about ending a person's life. We see that Earth is full of sunshine once more (and, I assume, all the adults that didn't slit their wrists during the dark snow storm are screwing like bunnies to fix the birth rate problem). And Brian runs outside, sees a Rainbow, and sniffles as he thanks Rainbow Brite for saving his planet (completely unaware that she has picked up a new boyfriend).
After that, we see Rainbow Brite return to Rainbow Land to announce that she's saved the universe and everything is colorful again. And Chris declares that he wants to live in Rainbow Land instead of returning home because he wants to help restore colors, too (and he realized that living in a place where the chicks outnumber him 5 to 1 would be pretty sweet).
The movie ends with Murky and Lurky in their spaceship trying to find their way back to Rainbow Land (wait? how did they survive that fall before!?). We don't see Rainbow Brite shoot them down and kill them; but I think it's safe to assume she eventually does.
THE END
Wow. This movie so did NOT match my nostalgic memories. I'd say more. But I'd rather close on a picture that describes this movie (and 80s cartoons in general) in a nutshell.
Sorry Duke. But Rainbow Brite is one million times more badass than you will ever be. XD
I doodled some fanart in the first 10 minutes because these characters seemed like they'd be fun to draw.
But after the first 10 or so minutes....this movie got weird. And kinda disturbing.
Turns out this movie doesn't match my childhood memories at all. I remembered it as silly, sugary fluffyness made with 3-year-old girls in mind. But the movie I just watched was.....really messed up. And confusing as all hell. And the way Rainbow dispatched her enemy was.....well, just read on.
BTW, a lot of people have the whole movie posted on YouTube if you want to watch the movie alongside this review and you don't have Netflix. I'm only bringing this up because I want you to know that you can see this madness for yourself if you don't believe what I write about in this review.
The first thing that struck me was how "anime" the movie looked. The animation was VERY high quality compared to most other 80s cartoons produced at the time.
As for the story, the movie starts with the Crazy Diamond Princess oppressing innocent fuzzy creatures and risking innocent lives in her pursuit to get more jewelry. An elderly fuzzy thing tries to warn her that her behavior will result in many deaths; but she just kicks him out.
The Princess is characterized as a spoiled, materialistic teenager willing to turn her kingdom into a slum if it means getting more diamonds. Kinda sexist for a character in a girls' cartoon. But I guess the 80s was a less enlightened time.
The opening song will be stuck in my head forever. Now you shall suffer, too.
All of Rainbow's friends like to watch her sleep before waking her up via song. That's creepy.
Enter Stormy:
I'm pretty sure Stormy was my favorite Rainbow sidekick when I was little. She has the power to make rain and snow; but she's only allowed to do it in wintertime. If she tries to do it out of season; Rainbow Brite and her horse chase her down and ruin her good time. It sucks to be Stormy.
After that, we cut to an interlude featuring two bumbling antagonists who look like Muppet rejects.
These guys are Murky and Lurky (Rainbow's normal villains). They suck and add nothing to the plot. So we won't be discussing them very much
Cut to Rainbow Brite taking a trip to Earth (I guess this means she's an alien?). It turns out Rainbow Brite has a human boyfriend named Brian (he's the only person on earth who can see her).
I don't remember this being a thing when I watched it as a kid. But I was only three when this franchise was popular. So I was likely more interested in the rainbows and horsies than the main character's love life.
Anyhoo, the plot gets going once Rainbow returns home and a cyborg horse contacts her to tell her that the Diamond Princess is to blame for her weather powers being out of whack. Turns out the Princess rules the "Diamond Planet" (the place where all the light has to pass through before it gets to Rainbow Land and Earth). And the Princess' hoarding is screwing this up somehow. And Rainbow Brite is the only one who can stop the Princess from "KILLING EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE".
Seriously, Cyborg Horse tells her that everything in the universe will DIE if Rainbow Brite fails her mission. So, y'know, no pressure.
.....I must say. I give this show props for having the balls to use the "d-word" in a cartoon made for 3-year-old girls. Even GI Joe wasn't allowed to do that back in the 80s!!! O_o
When Rainbow Brite gets to the Diamond Planet, she finds a bunch of fuzzy things being enslaved and forced to make nets to cover up the planets surface. But she can't rescue them because they're being guarded by giant killer robots!!
BTW the killer robots are called "Glitter Bots". I guess they were given that name to make them slightly less terrifying to this movie's target demographic.
After their first attempt to rescue the fuzzy things fails, Rainbow and her horses meet up with a Gatchaman reject named "Chris". Turns out he's from the same planet as Cyborg Horse. It also turns out that Chris is a sexist prick who can't believe that Cyborg Horse picked a GIRL to help them save the universe from imminent death.
Rainbow Brite ignores his sexist outburst and asks him to explain what the heck is going on. Chris tells her that the Glitter Bots have hypnotized both this planet and the one he hails from and is forcing all the slaves to work for Crazy Diamond Princess. He then starts another rant about how chicks can't save the universe and Rainbow finally gets mad and essentially tells him "I'm going and you can't stop me. Screw you!"
They end up leaving together and we get a look from him that implies that Rainbow Brite is getting another love interest. You go girl!!
Speaking of love interests, we cut to a scene on Earth and see that the whole world is going to hell simply because the weather is gloomy. I am not kidding! We over hear a TV report say that "accident reports are increasing" and "birth rates are decreasing" and "countries all over the world are blaming each other for all this". The report also says that hospital patients are "LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE".
Good Lord!!! The weather has been bad for like, one month at most!! But because the weather is gloomy people worldwide have sunk into depression, stopped having sex, forgotten how to drive, and given up on medical care!!?!? What the f***k, movie!?!??
After hearing this news report, Brian goes into his room and pulls out a key that Rainbow Brite gave him "in case of emergencies". The key works by turning any door he uses it on into a portal to Rainbow Land. But when he tries using it, it doesn't work (he guesses it's because her magic has gotten weaker).
We cut to Diamond Princess' castle. Chris and Rainbow Brite brazenly just walk up the bridge leading to the front door. Naturally, they're spotted. And the Princess orders some...thing to cast a wind spell to knock them off the bridge.
Chris tells Rainbow to retreat. Rainbow accuses him of being too chicken for the mission. And he starts spewing more sexist crap about being more capable than some icky vagina person before following her up the bridge.
The Princess decides that it might be fun to mess with the kids. So she turns off the wind machine and instead opts to let them in. Once inside, the kids are attacked by blob monsters. Rainbow Brite blinds it with her magic rainbow belt so they can escape. Diamond Princess sees this and immediately decides that she MUST have that belt!! So she uses a trap door to drop them into a dungeon
They find an elevator in the dungeon and decide to try and use it to reach the Princess. Surprisingly, it works. And once they get in her throne room, Crazy Diamond Princess casually asks Rainbow Brite to hand over the belt.
At this point, we also learn that Diamond Princess is certifiably insane when we see her treating the big emerald she carries around like a baby (seriously, she even has a bassinet for it!!!! O_o).
The Princess uses some evil magic thing to trap Rainbow Brite and Chris, takes the belt, and then locks them in the real dungeon (ie the one with no elevator). Chris blames Rainbow Brite's tiny girl brain for screwing this mission up. And Rainbow counters with a speech about hope and how her friends are surely doing something to help them out.
Right on cue, Cyborg Horse pops in the window to save them (where the hell was he when the children were being zapped!?). Unfortunately, he can't fit in the window. And instead of just popping in Kool Aid Man style like he SHOULD, he goes off to get help from Rainbow Brite's horse Starlight. Even though Starlight is powerless without Rainbow and her belt.
Cyborg Horse detracts the gunners while Starlight trots through the castle. He gets caught; but at least he manages to snag the belt and get it to Rainbow Brite before the guards can shoot him to death.
Rainbow Brite has just enough power in her belt to break them all out of prison. But she tells Chris that she needs to recharge her belt in her homeland before she can try to fight Crazy Diamond Princess again.
Unfortunately, Crazy Diamond Princess shoots them down and they land in another desolate wasteland full of slave-driver robots. Rainbow, Chris, and Cyborg Horse escape. But Starlight is taken hostage.
Rainbow, Chris, and Cyborg Horse have to fight through a horde of lizard monsters to get away. And the attack ends in the three of them being separated.
Rainbow falls into an underground pit that is home to the lizard monsters. And in a surprisingly scary and tense scene, we see her try to climb out while lizards are crawling up behind her. And the poor kid is scared sh!tless because her powerbelt is completely dead (meaning she has no way to fight back if they catch up to her).
Luckily, one of the fuzzy things (specifically, the one we saw Evil Diamond Princess abusing at the beginning of the film) conveniently finds her just in time to give her some "Star Sprinkles" (aka the power source for her belt). Rainbow Brite takes advantage of this good fortune by turning around and BLINDING the lizard standing behind her.
After she blinds him, she forces him back into a pit and he falls down. A bunch of rocks fall on top of him; so we're left with the implication that Rainbow Brite straight up murdered him. Granted, she was totally justified. But I wasn't expecting this movie (or this particular heroine) to have a body count. Way to subvert my expectations, Rainbow Brite & The Star Stealer!
Once Rainbow and Old Fuzzy Guy escape, he gives a speech about having a special device for Chris. And he tells Rainbow that she's destined to help Chris become the mighty warrior he was meant to be. Surprisingly, she agrees to it.
Seriously, screw that! Rainbow Brite has shown more balls AND more intelligence throughout this thing than Chris! So why isn't SHE the legendary warrior!? Doesn't the fact that she has a kill count and he doesn't mean anything!?
*sigh* oh well. Anyway, we see her break Chris and the horsies out of the desert prison in a matter of seconds (further proof that she deserves the "Warrior" title more that the little Gatchaman reject!!).
She gives Chris the weird device and it turns out to be a wrist mounted gun that can freeze targets or heat them up to a zillion degrees depending on Chris' whim.
Rainbow and Chris head off to face the Crazy Diamond Princess again. And we cut to the Princess' palace to see Murky and Lurky promising that they can deliver Rainbow Brite to her on account of their experience fighting her. She tells them to piss off because she astutely points out that, if they could beat her, they would have done it already (not gonna lie, I thought that was pretty cool). They change her mind by lying and telling her that Rainbow Brite has more belts and they know how to get them. This is the only reason they aren't locked in a dungeon.
Old Fuzzy Guy tells the kids that they need to work together to destroy the Princess' power source diamond. He also asks if he can borrow Cyborg Horse because he's too frail to defend himself. And then he makes the kids promise that they'll get along long enough to defeat the Crazy Princess (I guess he already knew that Chris was a sexist, trouble-making ass?).
Luckily, Chris seems pretty cool with having to share a saddle with Rainbow Brite and grip her closely while they fly around. Go fig.
The kids sneak into the Princess' palace (again) by breaking in through a water main. They're attacked by a giant sewer mutant. And Chris solves this problem by making it EXPLODE with his wrist cannon!
.....well, at least now he's catching up to Rainbow Brite's body count. Good job, kiddo!
Cut back to Earth:
We see Rainbow Brite's human boyfriend Brian staring wistfully out the window while snow continues to pummel his town. There's no longer any electricity or heat in his home. But he assures his depressed dog that his magical technicolor alien girlfriend will fix everything.
.....jinkies. That was a weird sentence. :P
Cut back to Rainbow Brite and Baby Gatchaman:
Chris uses his wrist cannon to trap three guards in ice blocks. The cartoon never shows them recovering; so it's possible that this puts him ahead of Rainbow Brite in the "Most Villains Murdered" category.
The kids make it to the throne room. But the Princess tells them they're too late and that her space ship will take the giant prism and destroy the universe because, damn it, she wants jewelry! (YAY feminism!)
Speaking of spaceships, Murky and Lurky finally make themselves useful by CRASHING THEIRS INTO THE THRONE ROOM. And the animation in the crash scene is pretty badass. (YAY Japan!)
While the princess is distracted, Rainbow and Chris destroy her power source diamond. Which, in turn, causes her entire palace to collapse (I guess she conjured her house with her insane diamond magic). While the palace is collapsing, Murky threatens to shoot Rainbow Brite with his wacky looking gun. And this prompts Starlight to pop in out of nowhere and kick him off the side of a cliff.
.....I guess horsies with Rainbow manes are inherently badass and loyal. XD
Unfortunately, Crazy Diamond Princess takes off in her ship while this happens. So Chris and Rainbow have to figure out how to stop someone armed with a rocket ship.
Cut back to the planet full of enslaved Fuzzy things:
The hypnotic spell that forced them to work was lifted when the kids crushed the power source diamond. And we see that the Fuzzy things immediately BEAT THE SH!T OUT OF THE SLAVE ROBOTS WHEN THEY CAME TO THEIR SENSES!!!
Good Lord! Who knew that Tribbles with legs could be so hardcore!!!? O_o
And here's where the cartoon gets REALLY f**ked up!!
Cut to the Crazy Princess. Turns out she forgot to gas up her ship before she left and can't get very far. So she declares that, if she can't have the biggest piece of bling in the universe all to herself, than no one can. So she decides to KAMAKAZE THE DIAMOND PLANET AND SHATTER IT!!! Knowing full well that this act will kill her and every living, fuzzy thing on the planet (and doom the universe to icy Armageddon).
How does Rainbow Brite solve this problem, you ask? Does she....
A) Give a passionate speech about the inherent value of every person's life that melts the Princess' icy heart and makes her a believer in the power of friendship? And then the Princess joins Stormy and makes a career out of crafting sparkly snowflakes?
B) Use her rainbow powers to make a colorful runway for the ship to gently land on and then haul the Princess to jail?
C) Recruit a Care Bear to show Crazy Diamond Princess how to love?
D) Kill the bitch
When I initially watched the movie, I guessed "A". Believe it or not, the answer is "D"!!
No, really. Rainbow channels her magic through the planet (remember, the Fuzzy Things' planet is a giant prism) and uses the amplified beam to blow up the Princess' ship before it can hit the planet.
And before you ask, we never see a GI Joe style "last minute parachute". The plane blows up and the only thing left behind is glittery dust.
Uh....I can't say she wasn't right to do it. But I never expected the underage heroine of an 80s girly show to straight up murder her human antagonist! Hell, even the original My Little Ponys only murdered supernatural hell spawns! Rainbow Brite shot down an enemy airship!!!! This movie has a bigger body count than the entirety of the GI Joe series!!!!
Anyhoo, everyone celebrates and Rainbow Brite doesn't feel at all conflicted about ending a person's life. We see that Earth is full of sunshine once more (and, I assume, all the adults that didn't slit their wrists during the dark snow storm are screwing like bunnies to fix the birth rate problem). And Brian runs outside, sees a Rainbow, and sniffles as he thanks Rainbow Brite for saving his planet (completely unaware that she has picked up a new boyfriend).
After that, we see Rainbow Brite return to Rainbow Land to announce that she's saved the universe and everything is colorful again. And Chris declares that he wants to live in Rainbow Land instead of returning home because he wants to help restore colors, too (and he realized that living in a place where the chicks outnumber him 5 to 1 would be pretty sweet).
The movie ends with Murky and Lurky in their spaceship trying to find their way back to Rainbow Land (wait? how did they survive that fall before!?). We don't see Rainbow Brite shoot them down and kill them; but I think it's safe to assume she eventually does.
THE END
Wow. This movie so did NOT match my nostalgic memories. I'd say more. But I'd rather close on a picture that describes this movie (and 80s cartoons in general) in a nutshell.
Sorry Duke. But Rainbow Brite is one million times more badass than you will ever be. XD
